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|Table of Contents|
|7 telltale signs|
|So how do we establish boundaries?|
If you’ve been going through life feeling like your needs and wants aren’t being met…particularly in your relationships, it is probably because you have some unhealthy boundaries in place (or none at all).
Lack of boundaries = lack of self worth.
This has definitely been one of the lessons I needed to learn in my life. I was in the deep end of the “unhealthy boundary” pool, that I didn’t even know that the things that had kept happening in my life were because I lacked healthy boundaries. Especially in my business and in my romantic relationships.
I can’t begin to tell you of all the times I was taken advantage of or all the times I regretted saying yes, when I really wanted to say no. Or the times I gave away my time and my money…depleting my soul in order to feed my need to feel worthy/needed/loved.
Thankfully, I came across an article that opened my eyes and made me realize that I needed to discover how to establish boundaries in all areas of my life. Particularly, how to set boundaries in a relationship.
So how can you tell if you’re lacking healthy boundaries?
These are the 7 telltale signs:
#1 PEOPLE PLEASING
Not to blame parents, but this begins when we’re young.
There are generally two conditions that nurture a people pleaser. One is if you grew up in a home where there was a lot of conflict and you learned to appease others in order to try and keep the peace. The second condition is if you got approval (as was the case for me) by pleasing others.
#2 HIDING THE REAL YOU
If you were shamed or ridiculed when you were being you, chances are, the message that came through was that it’s not safe to let people see the real you. Being vulnerable meant getting hurt. So, bit by bit, the mask(s) came up.
The problem is that when you are living your life hiding the real you, it is a lot harder to set boundaries that honour the real you. Instead, you either build a fortress around you where you hardly let anyone in, or you are such a great chameleon that no one gets to know the real you.
#3 MUTING YOUR VOICE
Not speaking up when you need to is another common theme. Whether that’s in your relationships, or in your business/career.
Instead of asking for what you want directly (and confidently), you resort to planting seeds, trying to use the power of suggestion, and/or by using passive aggressive tactics.
Not only do you end up spending a lot of mental and emotional energy as you try to play out every possible scenario in your head, but you also end up settling for far less than you deserve and end up feeling resentful.
#4 NOT MAKING THE MONEY YOU DESERVE
This often plays out as always falling short with money or getting stuck in feast and famine cycles around money and abundance. Whether your main expectation is one of never enough or when you do get money, your internal set point of how much you believe you can handle/deserve will create situations in your life where something breaks and needs to be fixed or replaced. Or insert any other type of “emergency”. Your credit card tends to either increase or remain stagnant no matter how much you try to pay it/them off.
#5 GETTING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF FINANCIALLY
In relationships, you might find that you’re often the more generous one. If you have $10, you give $9 (or $15).
In business, you may find that you are working too hard to prove your worth. You are giving your clients everything and the kitchen sink in order to feel like you are justified in charging what you are charging. You make yourself overly available. Saying yes, when you want to say no. On the flip side, you might not be charging nearly enough for the value you provide.
When you lack self-worth, you attract people who happily take and feelings of resentment and burnout begins to set in.
#6 PICKING THE WRONG PARTNERS
Again, I don’t mean to point the finger at parents but if the messages you got growing up were that you weren’t good enough, or perfect just as you are, then you are far more likely to choose partners to try and prove your worth to.
And when you find someone you’re attracted to, you tend to jump into relationships quickly with very little or no pre selection or due diligence.
Things tend to move quickly and as the honeymoon begins to fade, and who they are begins to emerge, you ignore any red flags.
You realize that they’re not as attentive, supportive, loving, thoughtful, kind…whatever it is that is important to you and instead of setting boundaries, you tolerate it.
#7 NOT MOVING ON (STAYING STUCK)
As mentioned in the previous point, because you haven’t set boundaries, you tolerate unhealthy behaviours and as a result you don’t know when it’s time to move on and get yourself out of situations that are toxic.
Whether that’s in a relationship with someone else, or your own unhealthy behaviours toward your business and finances.
You are more willing to make excuses even if your emotional, relational and/or security needs aren’t being met.
If you can relate to any of these 7 points it’s time to sort this out. You need to embrace your own power and go for what you really want in life. Because it’s real life experiences that build self-confidence and you begin to trust in your own ability to manifest what you want.
So how do we establish boundaries?
Begin by making a list of all areas in your life where you’re feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. Ask, what are you tolerating?
Think health, finances, business, and relationships.
Go through each item on your list and answer the following questions.
1. What needs to change?
2. What needs to end?
3. What do you want it to look like?
4. How do you have to show up in order for that change to happen? What do you need to ask for?
Without overthinking it, choose one thing to take action on and do it. Pat yourself on the back. Then rinse and repeat.
When you have healthy personal boundaries in place; you feel like you have the right to be here, you have more willpower, you have the courage to go for what you want (and you expect it).
Otherwise, if you don’t sort this out you’ll eventually reach a point where you’ll realize life is passing you by and everyone else is getting ahead in their relationships, career and life – except you.